Monday, January 31
I have sat here looking at this screen for over an hour and a half. I'll type a few lines, then read them and realize what I've said sounds remarkably stupid, or cliched, or too philosophical for me. I'll hit Backspace and then I'm met again with a blank text box. So I repeat my actions, type a few more lines, maybe lyrics this time, or the first part of a story. But then I reread them and realize what I've said sounds juvenile, or worse, like a cheap, poorly written knockoff of someone better's work. Isn't that the way it is. Everything we do has been done before. Song written for someone we love? Done. Scrambled eggs for dinner? Done. Tank top and jeans? Done. That's a pity. Because what is the point for so much of our life, if not to be able to say we were the first to do something. I envy Hillary and Norgay, I'm jealous of Peter and Marie Curie, I wish avidly that I were Steinbeck or Hemingway. They broke ground, they were the pioneers of their fields. Perhaps Steinbeck and Hemingway weren't the first men to take pen to paper and give people wings with their words. But nonetheless, they will be remembered. What will I be remembered for? What will people connect with my name? What will bear my mark long after I am gone? Will anyone remember me? People try to comfort each other with lines like, "Don't worry, you are young, you have time. Enjoy your youth, you'll have time to think about stuff like that when you are old." What futile encouragment.... Time is fleeting, and if squandered now, in the enjoyment of youth, it will be lost forever. For the time being I console myself with the fact that I may have already made a mark. Perhaps made an indelibly lasting impact on someone's life. And that I will use what time I do have, to make a greater impact. I won't settle for mediocrity but will challenge myself to excellence.
Wednesday, January 26
I never asked to live this life
but I was given a life to live
and live I will...
I never asked to get hurt
but that's the price of trying
to find Prince Charming...
I never asked to be lied to
but it made me trust some people more
and learn who wasn't worth it...
I never asked to be your friend
but I'm glad I am
even if I forget to tell you every day...
I never asked for you to leave
but you did and it hurt
it also made me stronger...
I never asked for adversity or struggles
but they made me a better person
who I should be, not what I settled for being...
I never asked to live this life
but the lessons I'm learning
are worth the price I pay.
They say I am too old to believe in fairy tales
But I want more than anything else, a knight
To save me, in shining armor, riding a white steed.
Maybe he will really wear worn out jeans and a sweatshirt,
But I know that he will be a friend and confidante
Someone unafraid to hold me and say it'll be all right.
I know I sound like a kid again as I make this wish,
Oh but if he only knew that I was out there, and needed
A hero again. I don't say anything about my wish,
Afraid of what they might think, but if he finds me
I won't be afraid ever again. Maybe I already know him,
He just doesn't know he is the one who will calm my fears
And hold me close. I have everyone else convinced that I am
Strong and brave, but sometimes I want to be able to drop that
Front and worry about my life and where it is going.
I seem to be calm and collected, always cool. Never a problem
To ripple the surface of my image. But beneath it all
I don't know what to do. I am confused and scared, terrified of my
Destiny, will I be the perfect person they think I am or will I turn
Out to be a mess, scarred and bruised. A broken heart can only be mended
By one thing, the love of another human being. Ah but only if fairy tales
And wishes came true, my heart would be whole, my life
A trophy. Hanging in the balance is my heart, easily mended by
A kind word and a consoling hug. But will I ever get that
Treasure, easily described but painfully attained. Something swinging
Just out of my grasp, I, more than anything else, want my hero, my knight,
My healer to step out of the shadows that surround my life and hold me, whisper to me,
And tell me that he loves me. Fairy tales always end with happily everafter,
What does my everafter contain. Is it happiness and love, or
The weeds and thorns of a despair and brokenheartedness.
If only I had a crystal ball, to look into and see what my future was
Woven of, the beautiful silken strands of dreams come true and perfect harmony
Or the ugly, worn threads of sadness and loneliness. Fairy tales are for the young and cheery, but if only the fairy tale my life could become would transform itself into reality and
Make my life a fairy tale of its own.
There's only one of two ways my life will end,
Am I going to die happy, loved and content?
Or will my days end, looking for something better just around the bend?
Chariot of fire, or angel special sent?
I could die sad, but I'd really rather not
Depends if I find the one, my Mr. Right.
Will I sneak in the back, hope I don't get caught
Hold my breath and wait for the fight?
I could die in the arms of a man I really love
Memories of our life, our time as girl and boy
Patiently wait for my ride from above
I pray my death brings sorrow and joy.
Will I go out with anger and blood, tears and abandon?
Lonely is a side effect, alone is a choice.
Maybe I'll die by fatal attraction
Know I stopped to listen to the voice.
But is it too much to wish for a perfect life?
Diamond ring, vows, pretty white princess dress.
My wish? to be a mother and a wife
Am I wrong to refuse to settle for less?
No one knows how my last hour will conclude.
I could guess, I could surmise.
I could hurry it along. Maybe it will end as if it had been cued.
But for me, I'd prefer a surprise.