"Done already?"

I have sat here looking at this screen for over an hour and a half. I'll type a few lines, then read them and realize what I've said sounds remarkably stupid, or cliched, or too philosophical for me. I'll hit Backspace and then I'm met again with a blank text box. So I repeat my actions, type a few more lines, maybe lyrics this time, or the first part of a story. But then I reread them and realize what I've said sounds juvenile, or worse, like a cheap, poorly written knockoff of someone better's work. Isn't that the way it is. Everything we do has been done before. Song written for someone we love? Done. Scrambled eggs for dinner? Done. Tank top and jeans? Done. That's a pity. Because what is the point for so much of our life, if not to be able to say we were the first to do something. I envy Hillary and Norgay, I'm jealous of Peter and Marie Curie, I wish avidly that I were Steinbeck or Hemingway. They broke ground, they were the pioneers of their fields. Perhaps Steinbeck and Hemingway weren't the first men to take pen to paper and give people wings with their words. But nonetheless, they will be remembered. What will I be remembered for? What will people connect with my name? What will bear my mark long after I am gone? Will anyone remember me? People try to comfort each other with lines like, "Don't worry, you are young, you have time. Enjoy your youth, you'll have time to think about stuff like that when you are old." What futile encouragment.... Time is fleeting, and if squandered now, in the enjoyment of youth, it will be lost forever. For the time being I console myself with the fact that I may have already made a mark. Perhaps made an indelibly lasting impact on someone's life. And that I will use what time I do have, to make a greater impact. I won't settle for mediocrity but will challenge myself to excellence.

I never asked...

I never asked to live this life

but I was given a life to live 

and live I will...

I never asked to get hurt

but that's the price of trying

to find Prince Charming...

I never asked to be lied to

but it made me trust some people more

and learn who wasn't worth it...

I never asked to be your friend

but I'm glad I am

even if I forget to tell you every day...

I never asked for you to leave

but you did and it hurt

it also made me stronger...

I never asked for adversity or struggles

but they made me a better person

who I should be, not what I settled for being...

I never asked to live this life

but the lessons I'm learning 

are worth the price I pay.

Too old for Fairy Tales?

They say I am too old to believe in fairy tales

But I want more than anything else, a knight

To save me, in shining armor, riding a white steed.

Maybe he will really wear worn out jeans and a sweatshirt,

But I know that he will be a friend and confidante

Someone unafraid to hold me and say it'll be all right.

I know I sound like a kid again as I make this wish,

Oh but if he only knew that I was out there, and needed

A hero again. I don't say anything about my wish,

Afraid of what they might think, but if he finds me

I won't be afraid ever again. Maybe I already know him,

He just doesn't know he is the one who will calm my fears

And hold me close. I have everyone else convinced that I am

Strong and brave, but sometimes I want to be able to drop that

Front and worry about my life and where it is going.

I seem to be calm and collected, always cool. Never a problem

To ripple the surface of my image. But beneath it all

I don't know what to do. I am confused and scared, terrified of my

Destiny, will I be the perfect person they think I am or will I turn

Out to be a mess, scarred and bruised. A broken heart can only be mended

By one thing, the love of another human being. Ah but only if fairy tales

And wishes came true, my heart would be whole, my life

A trophy. Hanging in the balance is my heart, easily mended by

A kind word and a consoling hug. But will I ever get that

Treasure, easily described but painfully attained. Something swinging

Just out of my grasp, I, more than anything else, want my hero, my knight,

My healer to step out of the shadows that surround my life and hold me, whisper to me,

And tell me that he loves me. Fairy tales always end with happily everafter,

What does my everafter contain. Is it happiness and love, or

The weeds and thorns of a despair and brokenheartedness.

If only I had a crystal ball, to look into and see what my future was

Woven of, the beautiful silken strands of dreams come true and perfect harmony

Or the ugly, worn threads of sadness and loneliness. Fairy tales are for the young and cheery, but if only the fairy tale my life  could become would transform itself into reality and

Make my life a fairy tale of its own.

Any Happy Ending?

There's only one of two ways my life will end,

Am I going to die happy, loved and content?

Or will my days end, looking for something better just around the bend?

Chariot of fire, or angel special sent?

I could die sad, but I'd really rather not

Depends if I find the one, my Mr. Right.

Will I sneak in the back, hope I don't get caught

Hold my breath and wait for the fight?

I could die in the arms of a man I really love

Memories of our life, our time as girl and boy

Patiently wait for my ride from above

I pray my death brings sorrow and joy.

Will I go out with anger and blood, tears and abandon?

Lonely is a side effect, alone is a choice.

Maybe I'll die by fatal attraction

Know I stopped to listen to the voice.

But is it too much to wish for a perfect life?

Diamond ring, vows, pretty white princess dress.

My wish? to be a mother and a wife

Am I wrong to refuse to settle for less?

No one knows how my last hour will conclude. 

I could guess, I could surmise.

I could hurry it along. Maybe it will end as if it had been cued.

But for me, I'd prefer a surprise.